I am tired of the carnival in my head. I cannot take credit for this thought, my good friend John Nunez tossed it out there in a wacky conversation and the idea has lingered. I guess I latched on to it because it’s so….me. Most days there’s a carnival going on in my head.
Let me help you get the picture. Imagine I'm leaving a simple conversation with some co-workers, and the next thing I know I’m whirling around on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, being tossed to and fro by thoughts like “well that was a really stupid thing to say….what were you thinking? they think you are an idiot” or spinning round and round in the teacups with thoughts like “you’re a failure. you’re a failure. you’re a failure” repeating over and over with every spin. Or maybe it’s being trashed back and forth on The Zipper, every mistake I’ve made that day replayed over again until I feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is what the inside of my head looks and feels like a lot. No one would ever know by looking at me. I look fairly sane, basically put together. But inside my head, I’m often at the circus. Even as I write this, the carnival is just starting to rev up, the engines beginning to roar into life for the new day ahead. Here’s what begins to happen…”You can’t say things like this, you guys are the pastors and look how messed up you are. Get your act together before you lead. If you really trusted God and believed the things you say you do you wouldn’t think these thoughts. Where is your faith?” The craziness begins.
But I can’t stop thinking the thoughts automatically. I have tried that, doesn’t work. Then I just feel more guilty, like I should be doing something that makes the thoughts stop coming. I have tried applying God’s Word and taking every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ like it says in 2 Corinthians 10. Of course, that is helpful. It is definitely a start of a shift for me, a recognition that the crazy thoughts I think aren’t the truth and I need to look at it in the light of Jesus and what He says about me. But that somehow hasn’t been enough for me because it’s way too lonely. Just me at the carnival gritting my teeth through another bad ride, hunkering down with God’s truth, still just leaves me feeling a little lost. (side note: truthful statements that don’t sound “Christian” really get the whole Tilt-A-Whirl going)
What helps me the most is asking someone else to come to carnival with me so I can notice how ridiculous the rides I am on really are. A few days ago I was at a meeting with some dear friends where I was safe enough to share some of the crazy, irrational thoughts I think most days. A lot of my current weirdness has to do with stepping out to help build The Refuge but it’s not all that. I have been thinking these things long before we began The Refuge—it has just plugged my head into a speaker system and the voices are all louder than ever. My friends didn’t do much. Not a lick of cheap advice or pat answers, no telling me that I just needed to pray warfare and it would all go away. Instead, they listened. They laughed. They shared some of their crazy thoughts, too. And you know what? I felt a little sliver of peace for the moment, that I wasn’t an unfaithful person who needs to get her spiritual act together, that I wasn’t alone at the carnival, they sometimes take some wild rides, too. In that moment, I actually felt God in some beautiful, mysterious way. He was just….there. The thoughts felt less crazy, settled down a bit, not as loud. For a little while, I was off the ride, actually enjoying some cotton candy and a lemonade at the carnival instead of getting whiplash.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
KARL - Relational Algebra
I am math illiterate. It is really with quite a bit of shame I admit it. I can do arithmetic and nothing else. To this day, I do not understand why, when in an obvious math situation, an “x” or “y” can suddenly appear? The reverse is not permissible, and I can not when grasping for the proper word get frustrated and slap a 7 in its’ place, can I?
What I remember about my math journey in school was that the other kids got it. Each class the teacher would add just a bit to the previous day’s knowledge, each student nodding their understanding. I would look alert, straining to recognize something, but it was always the same thing: as soon as the alphabet showed up I was lost. I tried, I spent time with the teacher after school, and in his presence I seemed to finally understand, but as soon as I was alone in my room, numbers and letters were mortal enemies.
I had a flash back last Friday night. I attended what we call at our faith community a House of Refuge, and this was the first night of a 3 month series on healthy relationships. I am not new to this sort of thing, I know how this is going to go, and pretty soon I will be completely lost. After 46 years is it time to admit I can not do math or healthy relationships?
I know that pretty soon the algebraic concepts of relationships will emerge, ideas such as saying what you need, expressing anger in healthy ways, boundaries and co-dependence. And I will be completely lost. I see my friends, and they seem to get it, somehow this makes sense to them. I can not grasp it. I do other things well, just as in school I appeared to be a bright student. I loaded my schedule with history and language arts, I compensated. I am good at getting people to like me, think I am smart about God and life, I have loaded my schedule with helping people. But actually being a friend? An intimate partner for my wife?
That looks like x=yx %z +\+=
An A in this class is impossible, out of reach at this stage. I am without too many of the basic concepts. But I can learn, can’t I? I am sure to fail tests and be at a complete and utter loss over and over again, but I guess this time I am leaving a little hope that maybe, just maybe, the lights might come on and something might just begin to make sense this time. A D is better than an F, right?
What I remember about my math journey in school was that the other kids got it. Each class the teacher would add just a bit to the previous day’s knowledge, each student nodding their understanding. I would look alert, straining to recognize something, but it was always the same thing: as soon as the alphabet showed up I was lost. I tried, I spent time with the teacher after school, and in his presence I seemed to finally understand, but as soon as I was alone in my room, numbers and letters were mortal enemies.
I had a flash back last Friday night. I attended what we call at our faith community a House of Refuge, and this was the first night of a 3 month series on healthy relationships. I am not new to this sort of thing, I know how this is going to go, and pretty soon I will be completely lost. After 46 years is it time to admit I can not do math or healthy relationships?
I know that pretty soon the algebraic concepts of relationships will emerge, ideas such as saying what you need, expressing anger in healthy ways, boundaries and co-dependence. And I will be completely lost. I see my friends, and they seem to get it, somehow this makes sense to them. I can not grasp it. I do other things well, just as in school I appeared to be a bright student. I loaded my schedule with history and language arts, I compensated. I am good at getting people to like me, think I am smart about God and life, I have loaded my schedule with helping people. But actually being a friend? An intimate partner for my wife?
That looks like x=yx %z +\+=
An A in this class is impossible, out of reach at this stage. I am without too many of the basic concepts. But I can learn, can’t I? I am sure to fail tests and be at a complete and utter loss over and over again, but I guess this time I am leaving a little hope that maybe, just maybe, the lights might come on and something might just begin to make sense this time. A D is better than an F, right?
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
GINNY - Scarcity or Sufficiency?
Fear entered the picture shortly after the beginning of our story. In a place called the Garden of Eden God created Adam and Eve. They hung out with him all the time and everything in their world was made just for them. Only one thing was off limits and that was the tree of good and evil. Satan convinced Eve that God was holding out on them. When they both ate of the tree that was forbidden, their disobedience was called sin and they became seperated from God. As a result they became afraid.
The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in cool of the day and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked so I hid.” Genesis 3:8-10
The Hebrew word for “afraid” in this passage is yârê, which means fear or dread. God’s very own creation, Adam and Eve, those with whom He had walked on a daily basis, were now hiding. Although they hid from God, He was not the author of their fear. He did nothing to make them afraid. Everything had changed and their deceiver was now in charge of their world. (II Cor 4:4)
One of the ways that we are so deceived by our enemy is through our living in scarcity. I recently read a book called, The Soul of Money, by Lynne Twist, who describes scarcity as a lie containing three myths: 1: the myth of “There’s not enough”, 2: the myth of “More is better” and 3: the myth of “That’s just the way it is”. Listen to how she describes the difference between scarcity and sufficiency.
“Scarcity speaks in terms of never enough, emptiness, fear, mistrust, envy, greed, hoarding, competition, fragmentation, separateness, judgment, striving, entitlement, control, busy, survival, outer riches. In the conversation for scarcity we judge, compare and criticize; we label winners and losers. We celebrate increasing quantity and excess. We center ourselves in yearning, expectation and dissatisfaction. We define ourselves as better-than or worse-than. We let money define us, rather than defining ourselves in a deeper way and expressing that quality through our money.
Sufficiency speaks in terms of gratitude, fulfillment, love, trust, respect, contributing, faith, compassion, integration, wholeness, commitment, acceptance, partnership, responsibility, resilience and inner riches. In the conversation for sufficiency we acknowledge what is, appreciate its value and envision how to make a difference with it. We recognize, affirm and embrace. We celebrate quality over quantity. We center ourselves in integrity, possibility and resourcefulness. We define our money with our energy and intention.”
What a great way to describe good versus evil. Who wins when we speak and live in terms of scarcity? The enemy wins. We stay stuck in fear and disillusionment and the enemy gloats, “see, I kept another from experiencing life.” God certainly is not glorified by a victim mentality. Fear causes us to become helpless and hopeless. . Even though the enemy is always prowling around, wanting us to stay afraid, Christ has given authority to all who believe in His Name. (Matt 6:19) We are told in Ephesians 3:19 that if we know the love of Christ, we can be filled with the fullness of God. John 10:10 speaks of the abundant life that Jesus came to give. Sufficiency is already provided. Scripture tells us “we have not because we do not ask”.
What if we chose to never again speak of “not enough”? What if we claimed our rightful place and authority to command our enemy to leave? (James 4:7) What if we defined the resources we already have and praised God for it each and every day even if it wasn’t what we were hoping for? What if we could truly see that God provides for us daily and we had better eyes to see it? I have been trying to do this, to focus on what I do have, not what I don’t have. It has given me so much more hope and helped me feel less afraid.
.
The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in cool of the day and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked so I hid.” Genesis 3:8-10
The Hebrew word for “afraid” in this passage is yârê, which means fear or dread. God’s very own creation, Adam and Eve, those with whom He had walked on a daily basis, were now hiding. Although they hid from God, He was not the author of their fear. He did nothing to make them afraid. Everything had changed and their deceiver was now in charge of their world. (II Cor 4:4)
One of the ways that we are so deceived by our enemy is through our living in scarcity. I recently read a book called, The Soul of Money, by Lynne Twist, who describes scarcity as a lie containing three myths: 1: the myth of “There’s not enough”, 2: the myth of “More is better” and 3: the myth of “That’s just the way it is”. Listen to how she describes the difference between scarcity and sufficiency.
“Scarcity speaks in terms of never enough, emptiness, fear, mistrust, envy, greed, hoarding, competition, fragmentation, separateness, judgment, striving, entitlement, control, busy, survival, outer riches. In the conversation for scarcity we judge, compare and criticize; we label winners and losers. We celebrate increasing quantity and excess. We center ourselves in yearning, expectation and dissatisfaction. We define ourselves as better-than or worse-than. We let money define us, rather than defining ourselves in a deeper way and expressing that quality through our money.
Sufficiency speaks in terms of gratitude, fulfillment, love, trust, respect, contributing, faith, compassion, integration, wholeness, commitment, acceptance, partnership, responsibility, resilience and inner riches. In the conversation for sufficiency we acknowledge what is, appreciate its value and envision how to make a difference with it. We recognize, affirm and embrace. We celebrate quality over quantity. We center ourselves in integrity, possibility and resourcefulness. We define our money with our energy and intention.”
What a great way to describe good versus evil. Who wins when we speak and live in terms of scarcity? The enemy wins. We stay stuck in fear and disillusionment and the enemy gloats, “see, I kept another from experiencing life.” God certainly is not glorified by a victim mentality. Fear causes us to become helpless and hopeless. . Even though the enemy is always prowling around, wanting us to stay afraid, Christ has given authority to all who believe in His Name. (Matt 6:19) We are told in Ephesians 3:19 that if we know the love of Christ, we can be filled with the fullness of God. John 10:10 speaks of the abundant life that Jesus came to give. Sufficiency is already provided. Scripture tells us “we have not because we do not ask”.
What if we chose to never again speak of “not enough”? What if we claimed our rightful place and authority to command our enemy to leave? (James 4:7) What if we defined the resources we already have and praised God for it each and every day even if it wasn’t what we were hoping for? What if we could truly see that God provides for us daily and we had better eyes to see it? I have been trying to do this, to focus on what I do have, not what I don’t have. It has given me so much more hope and helped me feel less afraid.
.
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