"if you only knew" - an experiment in listening

we’re working on a project collecting data from a wide range of people on their experiences with “church” called “if you only knew: an experiment in listening.” our task is to give others a taste of what some people are really “thinking, feeling, dreaming, and hoping for” as it pertains to the kingdom of God here on earth as it is in heaven. we’d love to have as many people participate as possible and provide input on their experience with church, christians, and their hope for a better way.

our survey is available in pdf format here

if you want to download it in microsoft word to fill it out that way, click here

either way, just get it back to us via email at therefuge@therefugeonline.org or send it by may 1st to:
the refuge
po box 6805 – broomfield CO 80020

read the first page so you get a better sense of where we are going, the 2nd page is a lot of data that we would like to gather so we have a sense where the responses are coming from, and the survey itself, feel free to fill out as little or as much as you feel comfortable.

all responses will be confidential (use whatever name you’ve always wish you had!) and if you feel uncomfortable emailing it for some reason, feel free to just send it in. we would love to have as random and diverse of feedback as possible (think of people you know would love to have the opportunity to speak into “the church” freely and safely). we appreciate you taking the time to be part of this project.

we will keep you posted as things develop into a finished project! we are not sure exactly what it will all look like but we know we want to combine it into an artistic, integrated piece available online that will help readers listen in on the hearts of as wide and diverse of an audience as possible. questions, feel free to email us.

we’re listening.

from geography of grace: believing in people like jesus did

we love the geography of grace blog that sam trujillo edits. it is really worth checking out. there are two recent posts that we'd love for you to read.

the first is about NAN (never be fake, always feel pain & never turn down healing), the mom's group that tiera trujillo facilitates at joshua station. check it out here. a few refuge folks are helping babysit the kids the first saturday of every month while the moms are participating in NAN. if you want to be part of this team, email tiera.

the other story is a recent post by bob ekblad, who is part of tierra nueva, an ecumenical ministry that seeks to share the good news of God's liberation in Jesus Christ with migrant farmworkers, new immigrants, and permanent hispanic residents in western washington. he the author of reading the bible with the damned and a new christian manifesto: pledging allegiance to the kingdom of God. we loved what he shared about believing in people like jesus did.

here's just a taste:

The story of Jesus’ healing of the paralytic in Bethesda never fails to bring healing and hope in Skagit County Jail and other places we at Tierra Nueva minister. Jesus heals a man who for many reasons cannot succeed. This inspires me as I feel drawn to people who the world has given up on. Jesus heals him by knowing him, respecting him, believing in him and calling him to do something humanly impossible: to stand up and step out of his debilitating circumstances into a new life. Jesus is on his way to a religious feast in Jerusalem—kind of like the priest and the Levite of the Good Samaritan story. Jesus stops at a pool by the sheep gate, where “lay a multitude of those who were sick, blind, lame, and withered, waiting for the moving of the waters” (John 5:3).

“What would be the equivalent of the pool today?” I ask a group of inmates. The first man mentions hospitals. Others say “bars,” “drug houses” and “right here in this jail.” They talk about being sick and paralyzed by addictions, negative emotions, charges, imprisonment, debt and fines. The inmates have no difficulty envisioning themselves there among the multitude of those desperate for a breakthrough.

read the rest of the post here.

authentic community

“we have all known the long loneliness, and we have found that the answer is community” - dorothy day

there’s no question, at the refuge, we believe spiritual transformation happens through community. it is not the only way. there are lots of ways to experience God, grow in our relationship with God, and learn a lot about God. Jesus transforms in many wonderful ways. but we also wholeheartedly believe that the greatest work of our spiritual journey will happen through relationships, true authentic community. the reason why this usually gets pushed to the bottom of the list when it comes to church programming is that it is by far the hardest thing to do. lasting, true authentic community doesn’t come in a contrived program. it can’t be talked into people. it has to be created, cultivated. it is messy, it is scary, it is unpredictable. most of us aren’t that great at it. plus, the selling points aren’t the most marketable. in fact, there are a few 100% guarantees when it comes to authentic community:

- you will be annoyed
- it will be time consuming
- you will get hurt and frustrated

100% guaranteed. there’s some good odds! but we do believe there are so many upsides to actually giving your heart, time, self to the body of Christ and allowing others in instead of just protecting yourself by only “serving others” or staying on the fringes. we believe that authentic community will be the place where we learn grace. where we learn to give it. where we learn to receive it. grace can never be theoretical. that is why no amount of sermonizing or scripturizing can teach it. it’s only through authentic community that we can come radically in touch with our humanness, our brokenness, our selfishness, our desire to be loved and truly known (even though it can be terrifying).

so the refuge is deeply committed to creating the kind of sacred space where authentic community has the greatest chance of actually happening. a few weeks ago when we talked about the spiritual discipline of incarnational relationships, sam & tiera trujillo shared with us 7 marks of authenticity in a community. (check out the blog sam edits geography of grace--it has some great stuff on it). these are marks we desire of our culture. they are the things we will keep at the center of our community as guides for our future. they will help us not lose sight of why we do certain things even though they can be annoying.

7 marks of authenticity in a community:

1. be real.
“the prayer that precedes all other prayers is may the real I meet the real Thou.” C.S. Lewis

no need to hide. just put it out there, the real story. the body of Christ should be the one place where you don’t need to pretend.

2. risk.
“test the possibility that in one’s own voice is the voice of another’s suppressed longing.” Krasner and Joyce

our hope is that we will continue to create spaces at our large and smaller gatherings where people experiment with crazy ways of connecting with God, each other. that there’s always this little degree of discomfort that keeps us moving, considering, challenged instead of remaining passive. at the end of the year we want to look back on some things we’ve tried and say “well, we will never do that again, but we’re glad we tried.” we’re not trying to push people because we are sadistic (yes, we know it can sometimes feel that way!) we just think communities need to be willing to experiment and try instead of only rely on “the sure thing that sells and makes people feel good.”

3. question.
“the beautiful answer is always preceded by the more beautiful question.” e.e. cummings

a place to question, a place to doubt, a place to not get certain answers crammed down your throat. this is very important to us.

4. dialogue.
dialogue is the reminder that something can happen not merely “to” us and “in” us but also “between” us. Martin Buber

authentic community can never be created when we aren’t talking together, back and forth. when only leaders get to talk and everyone else just sits and listens. conversation is where the action happens and sometimes we don’t notice it until we think about it later.

5. honor holy failure.
“my idea of God is not a divine idea. it has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself…this shattering is one of the marks of his presence.” C.S. Lewis

well clearly we are really good at failing. we honor it. our motto: “at least we tried.”

6. laugh.
“God gave us an imagination to console us who we aren’t, and a sense of humor to console us for who we are.” Francis Bacon

laughing at ourselves. laughing and crying at the same time. it’s our favorite thing. no need to take ourselves so darn seriously. life’s too hard without a lot of laughing.

7. love one another.
“beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. ” 1 John. 4:11

that’s the big idea. without love, we are nothing. talking about love means little. actually practicing loving the unlovable, letting others love the unlovable parts of us. passing on love to our neighbors. now that’s the real deal.

MIKE: living (and loving incarnately)

"the word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood..." john 1:14, the message

last week at the refuge we talked about the spiritual discipline of incarnational relationships. "in the flesh"..."the state of meat." real flesh on flesh. life on life. it really got me thinking...

christians try to convert the atheists, parents try to convert their kids to positive ways of behavior that will make their lives much easier and fulfilling. and addicts (alcohol, drug, sex, food, control, work, codependency, money, untruthfulness....you name it) drive present addicts up the wall with their incessant preaching. let's face it, we all have an agenda.

i'm a recovery snob. having been involved for almost 6 years in various recovery/healing groups, i see the immense benefit of working on our stuff through a 12 step program. i believe, to the point of sometimes cramming my agenda down your throat. i mean, hey, i have wisdom that i think should be imparted to you! the truth is my goal is, quite often, very noble and helpful. it is good to accept Jesus and be a Christ follower. it's good for a child to learn to integrate into the world around him/her. it's also good for the addict to come to grips with their brokenness and begin to heal. but i'm definitely beginning to rethink my role and my methods in this process.

a half a year ago, i was talking to one of my mentors about someone i'd known for a few years. this young lady was, in my prideful opinion, in need of my wisdom on her recovery. (a need she had never shared that she needed or desired, but i have been practicing mind reading for decades). so i decided i was going to make her a "project" of mine. (as i type these words, i break out in a cold sweat thinking i could be so full of myself and so utterly arrogant. i'm pleased to say i have asked her forgiveness, on more than one occasion, and she has responded to me with nothing but grace).

but God worked in His mysterious way, to show me what i believe to be a better way. while having the conversation with my mentor, i received a call from my friend asking me to hang out with her on that saturday. wow, i thought, this must be God's validation that i was on the right path to fix her life. (remember the mind reading thing.) God, as usual, was on a slightly different page.

that friday night i attended a discussion with jim henderson (the founder of "off the map") and matt casper (the friendly atheist). a christian and an atheist who were not trying to convert each other, but just be friends, love each other and discuss their beliefs. during a q&a session, a caring but misguided young pastor was arrogant enough to think he had just the right magic words to convert casper. in a gentle rebuttal, casper made a very good point. he said christians seem to know just what he needs and they are going to give it to him, even if he doesn't want it. he went on to say that this would never work and could drive a wedge into a relationship. then he made a remark that i hope will forever change how i do relationships. he said: "if i am to be converted it will be by the power of, who you call, the Holy Spirit.”

this seemed so profound. i remember Jesus saying the Holy Spirit would draw us to God. and i remember Him saying the greatest commandment was to love God and each other. so, just maybe, it is the Holy Spirit’s job to move people’s hearts and lives and my job is to love them. encourage them. and guide them (only if they ask) on their journey. and then just see what God does.

casper’s words stirred something up in me, but by saturday morning my own sense of self had kicked back in and i was busy at work formulating a strategy. a way to manipulate my friend so i could drag her on the journey that had worked so well for me. (although, if my journey was as successful as i sometimes like to think, i would not be so controlling and manipulative, would i?). as i was driving to meet her for lunch, i had a Damascus experience. in a voice that was barely less than audible, God said to me:"weren't you paying attention, last night, when matt explained that pushing on people isn't the answer. just love her. be her friend. the Holy Spirit will do the rest". so i prayed and asked God to guide my interactions with her.

that day was hard for me. so many times i had to fight the urge to "fix" my friend. we accomplished the task we needed to do in a few hours, but spent 7 hours just hanging and talking. i have a hard time with surface conversation—i love to go deep--so i had to resist pushing or prodding her to go in the direction i thought she needed to go. as we headed to the parking lot to go our separate ways, she paused before getting into her car. she started to share. really share from her heart. this wonderful sharing lasted over an hour and a half. while she shared a beautiful transformation occurr ed. in the twilight, i saw her face change, right before my eyes. it was like a veil had been lifted. the masks started to come off. both mine and hers. we had taken that next step on our journey toward healing. we were no longer people who knew each other. not just a fixer and a project. not just, even, friends. but special soul-mates on the same journey. an amazing thing has since happened. not only have i been able to speak truth and healing into her life, but she has been able to do the same for me. we have become safe for each other. one not always leading, one not always following, but walking side by side with each other. living incarnately...

over a year ago i experienced this same joy with my daughter. as we struggled with our relationship, i remember her saying: "i don't need you to be my dad, i need you to be my friend". puzzled by this remark i talked with a counselor i know. she said she already knows what you expect from her. you've been telling her for 26 years. she is struggling to be what she should be. she just wants and needs you to love her and be there for her. when i told my daughter this she said that was exactly what she desired from me. i told her i would do my best and a few months later God showed up, again. she was able to share the very hard things in her life that she had never been able to share because i was now safe for her. and again the healing has gone both ways. we have never been closer.

i believe that really a wise friend said: "if we love people, the way God loves them, they are able to let down the wall between us. and when they do we will see the beautiful person that God has always seen. the person that, sadly, most people will never see. because it takes too much time and is way too hard and messy, but oh oh so worth it".

spiritual meat is not a bible study, words that when said will magically transform people. no, i am coming to grips with the reality that spiritual meat is life on life, in the trenches with each other, not one up, one down, but heart to heart, life to life, soul to soul. with each other, not for or to each other. that’s living & loving incarnately.