high degree of grace required

planting a church is hard. planting a church that is committed to trying wacky things is harder. planting a church that is committed to being safe for wacky people (as in every human being, when we’re really honest) is even harder. the reason we have chosen the harder path is that we believe simply and firmly in grace. not theoretical grace. not grace when it works in our favor. not grace that is just a nice Christian word. to us, grace means cutting each other a lot of slack, offering a ton of mercy and understanding instead of judgement. we're not saying that there’s not a lot of grace offered out there in the wider Christian community. of course there is, but in the average church there’s not a ton of need for a lot of it to be dispensed. really, people’s craziness isn’t rubbing against each other too much. you sit, you listen, you pass out bulletins, you go home. you might need to give grace to the guy that stole your parking spot or the person that decided to talk to his wife during the worship in front of you, but the truth is that for the most part, real grace isn’t necessary.

but what happens when you really share your lives together in community? show up on sunday, open the floor and give room for comments and thoughts from all over the place? what happens when even the people in “leadership” don’t hide and say their crazy thoughts out loud? what happens when there’s not a program to hide behind but just this raw, real authentic entrance into the messiness of life? what happens when you don’t let only pros sing and play? what happens when people feel safe enough to share really deep things out loud? here’s our guess: some of us want to run for the hills as fast as we can!

why, because we begin to realize “this kind of place requires a high degree of grace and i’m not sure i have it to give.” we totally understand this dilemma. we know how much easier it would be if some great speaker or singer stood up front and put on a great, inspirational show that would make everyone love us and think we were the greatest thing since sliced bread and everyone could go home feeling jolly. but we know we can do that week after week without ever really living in community together. and Jesus’ design for the Body of Christ was real community not “going to church.”

real community requires an incredible amount of grace. it means seeing beyond the moment into the bigger picture. it is realizing that God is at work in people’s lives even when we can’t see it. it demands cutting each other slack. it asks people to supersede selfish comfort. it means we give the person next to us a break and then the next time they give us one, too. it means recognizing that everyone isn’t the same and seeing the power and value of diversity. it means loving unconditionally, not just when it feels good or people “do what we wish they would do”.

our ability to give grace has probably increased over the past 15 months we have been together, but to be honest, we suck at receiving it. so here goes—we are going to ask for it directly. the refuge needs continued grace. we need continued grace. we are just doing the best we can for the given moment and it is harder than you can imagine to not give up and throw in the towel. we must fight to be a place that can give & receive grace. it must work two ways—we can’t expect others to give it to us in a moment and then the next minute turn around and be unwilling to give it. we believe wholeheartedly that the ways that God conforms us to his image is in relationship with each other—what better place, then, to learn Jesus’ ways of kindness, sacrifice, love, forgiveness, humility, and yes, grace than in a community of people who are choosing to learn a better way of living. but, there’s no doubt, the cost is pretty high—it’s brutally hard. it will require us to get in touch with our selfish, judgmental ways, and it takes a ton of time. not super appealing on the surface, but Jesus was never about the surface. it was always about something deeper.

we honestly think that Jesus is calling us all to grace and we’re a little bit afraid of it….what are your thoughts?

MIKE - prince charming & beauty

a while ago at the changes that heal house of refuge we discussed the metaphor of the 6 million dollar man and the tin man. one is the ideal that we all aspire to be while the other is dented, rusty and looking for his heart, his real self. we asked the questions: who do we want to be? who are we? which is more real and lovable?

recently i saw shrek 3. a cute flick about two ogres (shrek and fiona) and their battle to save "the land of happily ever after" from prince charming, sleeping beauty, cinderella and all our other fairy tale favorites. fiona is pregnant and shrek is wishing he could be more lovable and bemoaning the fact that he will be a poor father because, as an ogre, he will surely frighten his own kids. duh!! aren't his kids going to be ogres, too? i'm thinking it would be a lot harder for them to relate to him if he were prince charming.

but i shouldn't be too hard on old shrek, because i tend to think the same kind of goofy thoughts. i am amazed at how we set up ourselves and our kids to fail by buying into the whole fairy tale scene. the prince is always rich, handsome, well built and of course charming. the heroine is beautiful, pure, sweet, shapely, and helpless (wow is this sexist or what?). he rescues her and they live happily ever after. the villain is a mean stepmother, an ugly stepsister, a wicked witch, a troll, a giant or an ogre. notice how the hero has all pleasant traits while the villains get stuck with all the negative ones? using this standard, from the day we are born, immediately 95% of us are set up to fail. there are few charmings and beauties in the general population. life experience and negative reinforcement from family and peers leads us to internalize the fact that we aren't good enough. we become the ogres. then, the chosen few come to believe that they have to live up to the persona that goes with their physical stature, wealth and good looks. it’s a lot of pressure, I’m guessing, a lot harder than we all realize and pretty much a lose-lose situation for all concerned.

i used to think that beauty and charming were lucky, but i am realizing they can never know if they are loved for their hearts (the real them) or just their drop dead gorgeous looks, sexy buff bodies, exotic sports cars or the magnificent castle. if we are the unfortunate that are labeled unworthy (ugly, fat, skinny, short, tall, weak, disabled, stupid, poor, not good enough, don't have our act together...the list goes on and on) we will live our entire lives feeling "one down” always aspiring to be like the lucky one.

i have spent a lifetime trying (and i might add quite unsuccessfully) to live up to the prince charming ideal. and with my less than impressive credentials (no athletic prowess or buff physique, limited bank account and less than drop dead good looks) i have strived to win my beauty. in order to even the odds that God, society and my own poor choices have seemingly stacked against me, i put on the mask, that charming mask, and try to pretend i am better than i am. i can keep up the charade for awhile, but it is so hard to be comfortable, to be real, to live with that freaking mask in place. and trying to be "a player" seems so dishonest and gross. but without my mask the ogre in me will surely scare you away.

so here is the dilemma: be fake and have the illusion of happiness, always fearing you will find me out at any time or be real and risk rejection. hmmmm. for fifty odd years (and many have been very odd) this choice seemed like a no-brainer. but the older i get it just seems to take way too much energy to play this stupid game. after living the last few years in true community i'm convinced that beauty is not really worth fighting for. oh yes, she is alluring, lots of fun, and beautiful to look at. a trophy to impress my friends with, but just like me, with my mask on, she is not real either. not really worth pursuing. i've found it's the heart that counts. mine and hers. being honest about our brokenness. embracing our messiness. living in the truth of who we are. who God thinks we are.

while prince charming and beauty pursue each other and search for "the land of happily ever after" i'm going to try to embrace my shrekness and keep an eye open for fiona as i live in real community.

KATHY - no girl pastors allowed

a few days ago i got sucker punched for having ovaries, if you can believe that. i was in atlanta at the big christian retailers conference to launch a book that I co-authored that is just being released. it is a women’s bible study/journaling tool in a magazine format and it’s pretty cool. check it out here. (this isn't the actual cover but an older version that ended up going out earlier). anyway, some of it’s me, some of it’s not me, but the essence--a tool for women that addresses our real story, what’s really going on in our relationship with God & others instead of pat, surface answers—is, in my humble opinion, a desperately needed voice in the Christian market that is saturated with simplistic, bumper sticker answers to some complex and painful issues. (plus, it’s kind of fun to have someone want you to write something for them and actually pay you for it!)

during the whole gaggle of getting it ready for promotion in december, it turns out the publisher couldn’t print that i was a pastor in the material because some of the salesmen said they wouldn’t be able to sell it to the by-far-the-biggest christian account (with southern baptist roots) with a woman pastor author. I am not kidding. if I had any other title in the whole wide world it wouldn’t matter. it’s just because I am called pastor, that is the word they can’t tolerate if there’s not a y chromosome with it. I fought the battle with the publisher (new hope, they are great by the way, but really underestimated how crazy the system really is on this one) and ended up losing. they decided to not mention I was a pastor in the bio. there was nothing for me to do about it, really, i used my voice, advocated for what i could, and had to just let it go or pull out of the project, and I had invested countless hours writing the tool part and it just felt too bad to walk away. i understand they had profits to consider and wanted the book to have the best possible shot and without that biggest book order, it was going to be tough.

so, here we are 7 months later, I have mustered up getting excited about it despite how weird it has felt (it’s like telling a teacher, we can’t call you a teacher because it might offend somebody). they paid for me to fly to atlanta, stay in a great hotel, and all of my expenses to launch it. i have been on my best behavior, trying to make the most of being at a conference filled with the marketing of Jesus. it’s been a little hard on my soul but I was so happy being quiet in my hotel room reading eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert and catching up on my zzz’s, that I didn’t even mind.

well, i found out toward the end of the conference, that the retailer—lifeway christian stores—still refused to carry it. even though it isn’t printed in the book, they now know I am “one of those women pastors” and it is against their doctrinal beliefs. what is so gross to me is that automatically because I have the title pastor, have something to say to our little faith community, I am theologically anti-biblical and immediately disqualified. it’s ugly. disgusting. makes me want to throw up. but after the initial shock and trauma (1 hour before our book signing where I needed to be extra perky and happy. I saved my tears for later) I just felt relieved. all of my ranting and raving about inequality, injustice, ugly evangelicalism is not unfounded. I am not crazy, I am not making this up. it is alive and well in the year 2007 whether anyone wants to believe it or not.

so what can I do? what can you do? well, I hate to pick on you, boys, but it starts with you. women can stand on the tables and shout out “don’t you see?” but really we need men to understand how engrained this injustice is and intentionally make sure they are not subtly buying into the system. I am grateful for the refuge because karl, mike, john, kevin, paul—as members of the leadership team--have openly embraced that we are equal. girls’ anatomy doesn’t preclude me or any of the other women on the team or in our community from anything. they see the value of diversity, where young and old, women and men, married and single, divorced and widowed, all have something to say. I never, ever feel discriminated against at the refuge. every man who is part of our little crazy community, whether they realize it or not, is changing the tide of an unjust system just by their presence. (thank you guys, I love and respect you all so much….). you can also go to a lifeway store near you (they’re mainly in the south but are a few in colorado & california) and ask for refresh, ask why don’t they carry it and ask them to order a copy for you. new hope would love for them to see a blip get on their radar.

but bottom line is this hub-ub has been a catalyst for me to stay on this journey, to do what I can to just keep being, well….me. i readily admit, some days i just want to give up, throw in the towel, and say okay, jackasses, you win. i’m out. you can have your church and eat it, too. but i am too much of a fighter and it is so not Jesus’ heart that half of all people, that those with a passion for his message, the Kingdom, for the poor & oppressed wouldn’t be able to have a voice or role as a pastor or shepherd or leader because they happened to have a different chromosome combination.

like racism, the only way to change things is to not stand for it anymore. I believe as Christ-followers, we must visibly show the world that sexim, racism, classism, and exclusion is not the Way of Jesus. God, help us be an instrument of change, hope & healing in this really messed up, sexist, racist, egocentric, classist world (and sadly, church)

KARL - I Like Cooking Shows

I think I might be a chef. I like cooking shows. Actually I like cooking shows better than I like to cook. I have opinions on most of the stars of the food network, and small crushes on two of them. I am an adequate cook, and on special occasions I tend to show off a bit, but I do not on any regular occasion whip up a gourmet meal, or any real meal for that matter. I just nuke some left over meat, toss a salad and call it dinner.

I am certain over the past ten years I have logged a couple of hundred hours watching someone else prepare fabulous food. I am familiar with many cooking styles and techniques, from Cajun to continental, braising to broiling. It is possible that somewhere in the dark regions of my brain I have the ability to create exotic dishes, I know I have watched hundreds being prepared, but invariably I stare into the fridge and fix the same 5 dishes every time.

I have just taken a break to eat breakfast, I am in the mountains so some survival instinct is triggered and I consume 6 times the necessary calories in case of flood or blizzard or something, and fixed pancakes. I know I have seen multiple episodes on the proper balance of flour, salt, soda, etc. I know the dangers of over stimulating the glutens and producing tough pancakes. I know this, but still I reach for the box that requires nothing more than water. If you can pour water, you can make these pancakes.

Here is my observation: I am fixed on watching someone else prepare food using ingredients I cannot find , with pots, knifes and gadgets I could never afford, in a kitchen that is larger than most of the entire homes I have ever lived in. Does watching someone else do what I feel inadequate to do, count as doing it? Am I chef because I like to watch chefs?

You may draw your own analogies, but I think there is something eerily similar to what we call being a Christian. As a faith culture we tend to primarily watch. I think if you were to analyze the most frequent activity of people wanting to be Christian, it would be watching. Watching someone else, who seems to have tools and spiritual gadgets I have never heard of, tell me how to live. How is it that in spite of all Jesus said about giving, loving, feeding, clothing, visiting, that we squandered the vast amount of our money on buildings? And have you noticed the buildings are not becoming smaller or more simple? Why? Because it allows us the best opportunity to do what we have come to believe will make us Christian--watching. We watch singing and call it worship, but that is just the set up, the appetizer, to the main dish, preaching. (I realize this is more descriptive of the evangelical church, especially those that emphasize Bible teaching versus liturgy). Ok, find me a time when Jesus said that listening to sermons was the most important thing you could do, and therefore justify the billions of dollars to accommodate that?

Watching cooking shows does not make you a chef, watching church does not make you Christian. What are your thoughts?

detoxing from church

we know we sometimes drive people crazy at the refuge with our rugged rawness and lack of "professionalism". where's the power points, the lights, the 30 minute exciting inspirational message that gives you that shot in the arm you need to make it through the week? why do we ask questions and open up the floor to all kinds of crazy things that sometimes make us feel uncomfortable and awkward? where's the predictability, amazing program & comfort that some of us have become so accustomed to? in the past few years we have undergone some major shifts in what we believe about church. we think that people are kind of hooked on church in a way that's not super healthy--that if we don't get a, b or c, then it's not a worthwhile experience. that if we get pushed, challenged, made to feel uncomfortable, we bail. that sitting in a chair for an hour once a week, soaking in and not really having to do much more than listen is considered church. that we can be part of a church for years and still not be connected to anyone in an intimate and meaningful way. that our serving experiences need to be as pain-free as possible by keeping everyone on a once a month rotation for one hour timeframes so that they are not inconvenienced too much.

we believe the refuge is part of a movement in the body of Christ away from church toward real community. we recognize that this is against the grain and takes an incredible amount of work & risk; it is completely disorienting to some of us but what we believe is a more accurate representation of what Jesus meant. we are wholly committed to it at the refuge. and getting to it it requires detoxing. a pretty strong word. but we think it hits the nail on the head when describing what it is like to move away from our addiction to church toward a real and lasting intimacy with God & others in the Body of Christ. check out this article here, http://www.theofframp.org/Detox.html.

it is long but worth the read. we'd love to hear your comments.

KATHY - Can Church Really Be Church if We Don't Listen to Someone Talk?

Well in typical Refuge style we tried something a little out of the ordinary this past Sunday and at first glance it felt like a disaster. I realize, yet again, how foreign it is to not have the safety of a sanctuary with padded chairs, a perfectly timed worship set and a 30 minute inspirational message. We are all so programmed to think that is what “church” is that we forget that really none of that has to do with the original thought of living out the gospel.

So our little experiment scared the hell out of me. (for those who perhaps think we have become too liberal, notice the subtle way in which I have included a theological word!) And it really shouldn’t have. Honestly, it was no big deal but it felt like it was this big crazy thing because we are so not used to doing church this way.

We actually didn’t meet for a regular service this past week. Instead, we gathered in the parking lot—no chairs, no music, no signs (we don’t have any anyway), no nothing. We didn’t even take an offering—now if you have ever been on a church staff, you know that is the cardinal no-no (please, oh please God, don’t forget how much we need the money!) We were just a group of people showing up for “church” together. Karl and I lamely shared our hope for the night (please, friends, forgive us for our lack of any sort of clarity but rest assured, in our heads it sounded good!)—that instead of sitting together in one large group we’d actually scatter and spread a little love, a little Jesus in some small way in the community. It was not to “serve” in the typical way we think of serving—serving has come to mean signing up to serve a meal to the homeless, go volunteer in the church nursery, or be on the greeter team (no greeter teams at The Refuge, sorry, we know some of you probably miss that smile at the door a little but it’s just really not our gig).

Our hope was just that we’d pass on some love to the least likely, in the least likely way.

We were wondering, what if “serving” was just “noticing” people? Who around us might need a smile, a little help, a little hope instead of making it so complicated or disqualifying ourselves because of time, perceved lack of spiritual maturity, or a myriad of other excuses? So we split up in teams, grabbed some bags of random stuff we put together to use in whatever way anyone wanted to, and we met back at Karl’s for dinner and conversation. Some people went home and didn’t feel like joining in, that was so okay (of course, my first reaction was feeling like we had let them down, disappointed them, they were expecting church and got this instead. Then sometime later today I was like “why am I thinking all of their thoughts for them, who knows what they might have done on the way home????)

There were some fun stories afterward..some people brought flowers and a card to a woman who had cancer, others brought thanks and cold drinks and toys to children’s hospital and blessed all of the nurses & staff there who serve the Broomfield community, others went and visited a co-worker who barely makes it every month and is trying to get some healing in her life and gave her some groceries, others played with kids at a park, payed for someone’s meal at Burger King, brought toys to a family with little kids and not too much resource…all different ways that we passed on, in some random tangible way, Jesus.

Why do we always think it has to be in the big things? And why are we so hooked on having to go to church for an hour and a half every week instead of just hanging out together? This experiment was a little contrived, no doubt. But I think that was the idea—we’d probably never naturally do any of those things . We’re just so caught up in the whirlwind of life and all of our inadequacies that we miss all of these opportunities to offer a cup of cold water to someone who is thirsty, feed someone who is hungry, visit someone who is in some kind of prison, love the least of these.

So it seems so simple, so natural to the way of Jesus, so why was it so risky? Because church has become known for being a place where similar people gather instead of scatter, a place where we are supposed to get fed (and inspired) instead of give hearts to each other. Do you think that’s what Jesus had in mind for church? Creating a community is completely different from building a church. Church planting advisors in the church growth model would tell us that was a pretty stupid thing to do, not meet, don’t take an offering, encourage people to get out of their comfort zones…. That is church growth suicide.

But I guess I am constantly reminded that really following Jesus means church growth can’t be the first thing in my mind. Learning how to be more loving towards people is. And learning to be better lovers requires practice and it also means we will have to risk. It means risking an offering, risking offending, risking numbers of bodies in seats, risking my pride. I want to be a person who is more willing to risk. I want The Refuge to be a place where people are more willing to risk. I want to be part of a community that is committed to Jesus and each other first and foremost and doesn’t really care if they are entertained or inspired. They just want to live a new way, a real way, a risky way, the way of Jesus.

KARL & KATHY - NRA (National Rifle Association) Jesus

KARL: The following picture was given to me by a friend. It was an actual part of an invitation to a mens prayer breakfast. It was not a joke.

KATHY: When Karl sent it to me, I thought for sure it was just someone being funny out there. That, I can handle. But then the thought that this is actually an image for a men’s prayer breakfast invitation all of a sudden made me a little sick. I’ve been hearing about a movement in some men’s circles in churches, an effort to remind everyone Jesus was really a “kick ass" God and good Christians should kick a little, too.

KARL: No use ranting on the demise of Christianity and all of that, I have been having some fun with just captions. Honestly, I can not stop. It somehow captures everything I have come to hate about church and Christian culture. Stay tuned, I am hoping to discover a “speedo Jesus” but till then, here are a few of mine:

“REPENT, DAMN IT!”
“Ok, that was two cheeks, now let’s try that one more time!”
“Meek sucks”
“Take aim on sin”
"Jesus, in a rare move to prove He really was fully man…. "
"Told you God hates liberals…. "

KATHY: how about…

“Mommy, why does Jesus have a gun?”
“It’s about time you got your &%#@@* together”
“So much for stones, let’s try the bullets”


So, we invite you to join the fun, write a caption or comment.

MIKE: MONKEY HUNTING

I'm not a mighty hunter, in any sense of the word, but I do know how to catch a monkey-- (1) make a hole in a fence that is just big enough for the monkey to get his closed hand through, (2) put a large piece of food behind the hole. (3) just wait a little while. The monkey will catch himself because once he has the food in his hand he will not let go of it, even if it means he is trapped.

Before we're too quick to judge the monkey we need to think of times we have exhibited the same kinds of behavior. Drinking some poison (hemlock) in order to hurt someone who has harmed us. How about pointing a shotgun at our own heart, pulling the trigger, and hoping the recoil of the gun will somehow harm somebody we hate. My favorite is shackeling myself to the person who has hurt me the most and giving them total control of my life.

This is what unforgiveness will do.

Why would a person do such absurd things? Well, like the monkey, we aren't willing to let something go. In the monkey’s case, it’s food. In ours, sometimes it’s revenge. Like Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Venice “we want our pound of flesh.”

Allow me to air a bit of dirty laundry. Almost 20 years ago I perceived that i had been wronged by a sister in law. We'll call her May. Because of May I was put into the position of having to take sides, in a family feud, if I wanted to remain part of a dysfunctional family. Not having good coping skills, and armed to the teeth with self righteousness, I set out to right all the moral wrongs that had been done. "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." and I'm about the Lord's business. When I was told if I didn't want to dance the family dance I didn't need to come to Thanksgiving dinner, I took revenge to one of the highest possible levels. For almost ten years I stayed away from ALL family functions. For over a year I kept my wife from seeing her family and my children from being around their grandparents and cousins.(You need to know this was a close knit family. We spent almost every Sunday and every single holiday you could imagine together). I proudly underlined Bible verses that gave me the right to stay away from May, but she still controlled my life. I could hear a comment that reminded me of her or see a lady that looked like her and in fifteen minutes time be so enraged that people working with me could see such a visible change in me that they told me I would have a stroke if I didn't settle down. I remember a friend asking what was wrong with me and I told him my sister in law had really made me mad. When he asked me when I had talked to her I had to say 2 years ago. You’d think it had just happened considering how angry I was. May lead me around by the nose every day of my life.

God finally grabbed my heart when my wife, Debbie, was being taken off life support. With a hospital room full of relatives, doctors and nurses I apologized to May and asked her forgiveness. Oh the precious moments I wasted, all the happy family times with Debbie and the kids, times I can never relive. A few years ago I spent a few hours walking on a beach with my one time arch enemy, May. As we relive those ten years I again asked forgiveness for hurting her during that time. To my surprise and dismay she said, "You know I was never sure why you we mad at me, but it really never bothered me very much". I was trapped like a slave, obsessed, and it didn’t even bother her. Wow, I guess I had really showed her.

I thought I'd learned my lesson, but a while ago someone hurt my little girl. And just like a man possessed I put the shackels of hate back on my own legs, took the food through the hole and won’t let go of it. Now I have a different captor leading me around daily—my unforgiveness toward May transferred to someone else. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I get a glimpse of sanity from time to time. In his book " Velvet Elvis", Rob Bell says we really know we have forgiven if we can pray for the person that hurt us and be happy when God blesses them. Knowing how that rascal God works He probably will bless them. So, I think I am getting it (I am a little slow sometimes). I know what i need to do with my captor: let him go, so I can be free. Drop the food. It’s not worth it.

But it's just seems too hard. I'm going to have to think about this for a while. As I do I will sit here drinking this goblet of hemlock and dig out my rusty old knife and carve my pound of flesh, one ounce at a time, out of my own cold lifeless heart. Yeah that will show him how much he hurt us.

Or maybe I could........

KATHY - Downward Mobility

Well it’s official I am over the hill! 40 years old. I know those of you who have already hit this mark don’t have a lick of sympathy for me. My favorite card this year was made by my son Josh, who’s 15. Here’s what he made up:
Roses are red, violets are blue
You might be 40 but you look 22
Yeah, he’s a liar, but he loves me (and if you ever need a self-esteem lift, just talk to Josh, he’s the best at that). But really, I am realizing that this whole turning 40 thing has been harder than I thought it would be. I keep flashing back to the idealistic dreams I had when I was twenty. When I was young and stupid I definitely thought life would be a lot easier when I was forty. In my dream, I wouldn’t have to worry about money, I’d be at the pinnacle of my career, fairly chaos-free, I’d have my two perfectly behaved children and a maid who would clean my house every week. Somehow, someway in the last 20 years, things have gone awry. A lot of my friends from college are rich but I now make less money than I made almost 20 ago when I graduated from college. Chaos is a word many people use when describing my life, somehow two kids became five, and walk into my house and it’s quite clear that there’s not a maid to be seen! My big plans for upward mobility have been thwarted over the years. Things didn’t go quite the way I had hoped. What happened?

Jesus got a hold of me, that’s what happened. And he keeps ruining my plans for upward mobility. Every time I try to get it, it sort of slips away. I think that’s a little bit what happened to me in this past year and a half as I transitioned off the mega-church fast-track and back into real life. Power, status, money, whatever you call it, escaped me once again. Hmm, I am pretty sure those were the exact things Jesus railed against but I am so attracted to. Jesus’ plan seemed to be a lot more about downward mobility than up. That’s kind of the big idea in the Kingdom. Whoever is first shall be last and the last shall be first. The least of these…blessed are the poor in spirit…all of the things the world (and even the “church”) told me I should shoot for, achieve, do, really, in God’s economy, means nothing. God’s economy is about love, tangibly expressed. And boy am I surrounded by a lot of people who know how to do that well. Real, true, authentic people who don’t give a rip about upward mobility and 401k’s and color swatches for their walls. I am in the trenches with people who are fighting for their lives, trying to live it well, and fighting for mine, too. And they’re fighting for the lives of others who can’t fight for themselves, either. Yesterday I watched a video of the poorest of the poor in India, beautiful women and children ravaged by AIDS and living in the slums, sold into prostitution, sifting through garbage to find something to eat. I sat at this table with people who are smart, talented, educated who have sacrificed their careers, money, status and power, to care about the least of these. I was awed. And reminded, for the next 40 years, I will have to fight against my human nature to clamor for “upward mobility”, a bigger paycheck, more status and power and listen to Jesus’ call…go down, Kathy, downward mobility, that’s what I’m all about…

I need to be reminded that Jesus’ words of blessing to the poor, marginalized, the downwardly mobile was not a threat, a coercion technique to force me into a miserable life. His call to me to go downward is His methodology for the abundant life, the easy yoke He places. If I crave His peace and presence, then I guess I have to trust His methods. Funny, isn’t it, that I think more money, power, status will give me security and a strong sense of self? Yet Jesus says it will be exactly the opposite…if I find my life, I will lose it…

KARL - Inspiration Addiction

At The Refuge we have a high sensitivity to people who struggle with addiction. Not in the typical church sense, where the recovering alcoholic is paraded around like some trophy that shows how cool and “grace- filled” you are, and it is made clear the addict is the other person, the one you want to help. At The Refuge we have this sense we are all in the same boat, and addict or dabbler, we are all the same. But recently I have noticed that at The Refuge we have left out a silent and growing mass of addicts, and I have realized we have nothing for them.

I like to call it inspiration addiction. Like any addiction, this drug needs to be consumed in ever larger doses to maintain the high. We have created a faith culture that has confused adrenaline with the Holy Spirit. It is fairly easy to identify the addiction--“amazing” will be applied to all the movements of the service/show. For example, the worship, speaker, fog machine, light show, are amazing. I was once stuck in the lobby of a large church behind closed doors, when I wondered to someone in charge why we could not go in. He replied that making everyone wait builds anticipation and excitement. Anticipation of what? We can say God, but color me suspicious, I think it is the adrenaline rush of music that makes me sway, speaking that makes me feel, and fog lights create a sense of being part of something “incredible.” I am not saying God isn’t present in these moments, but I submit it is the fix, the high that is being promoted and everyone behind the scenes knows exactly how to feed the junkies.

I am sad today, but it will only last a few hours. I am sad because I feel I can not compete with “amazing”. I have long believed that the only proper answer to “why do you belong to that faith community?” must be something along the lines of “ I love to be with those people, who need me and whom I need, and together we are experiencing Jesus, giving Him away and growing, and becoming more loving human beings.” Whenever the answer is “I go to this or that church because of the amazing ________" (fill in the blank with anything you wish) we have become enablers to the inspirationally addicted. But at The Refuge, we have nothing amazing. No great teaching--often the most profound thing said is from some audience member. No slick program--we use for worship most weeks those friends who want to do it, not those who auditioned and have met some man-made bar of music excellence. The truth is we don’t even offer certainty, another favorite drug of inspiration addicts. At The Refuge I am realizing the only thing we can really offer is hope and long term journeying, listening more than telling, and a faithfulness to live the principles Jesus shared in every way we know how. As much as I sometimes still long for the old high, too, I am finding my inspiration sobriety is teaching me the hard but real way what it means to live an unplugged, unhyped, authentic life.

KATHY - Reflex

“Where’s Jared? You brought him home, right?” We had been home about 20 minutes from a team basketball party at a restaurant and were mindlessly sitting in the living room watching the end of American Idol when Jose looks up from his computer and asks again, “You brought him home, right?” I immediately leaped out of my seat in a complete and utter panic. No, I don’t remember bringing him home! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I have got to go get him right this minute. My 7 year old is stranded alone in the parking lot! It’s dark. It’s cold. Somebody call the restaurant! Where are my keys? Who cares about shoes or coats or absolutely anything else in this moment. The only thing I can think about is getting to Jared as fast I can. My response is purely visceral. No words can describe my thoughts and emotions. My baby needs me. I am in a panic while I hear Jose calling the restaurant and I am almost out the door when one of our other kids says “Jared’s here. He’s asleep in Sadie’s (our dog’s) bed.” I start to cry. I am overwhelmed with relief. The fog slowly lifts, and I begin to remember he was in the car when we left the restaurant!

I know you are thinking, so how could you not remember that??? But when you have five kids running to and fro and five voices all blending together, let me tell you, it’s easy to forget. It takes hours for the adrenaline to wear off and of course we have a story to laugh about and yet another reminder that mommy needs to keep a little bit better track of who she’s in charge of.

I would sacrifice almost anything for my kids. In that moment, my reflex was go. I didn’t think “oh, what an inconvenience” or “he can figure it out on his own and doesn’t need me” or “I would rather be watching American Idol right now.” The absolute only thing I could think about was getting to him. Me, my, mine was out of the equation.

And I was reminded how little I really live in that selfless place. The place I live most is in a world of me’s. What works for me, what I like, what I don’t like. What I’m willing to do. What I’m not willing to do. My self-centeredness is more evident to me probably than anyone else but it’s there, it’s my natural bent. Sacrificing my time, dropping everything for another human being, being willing to lay aside my life, my ways, my desires to “be Jesus for someone else” doesn’t come naturally. In fact, everything inside of me screams against it. But in that moment, when I thought Jared was alone in the cold, it was a no-brainer. Sacrifice didn’t feel like a sacrifice.

In John 15, Jesus says “there’s no greater love than he who would lay down his life for a friend.” And what does it mean, to lay down my life? I think laying down my life means I’d be willing to run out the door when someone is in need, willing to give up American Idol and spend time with someone who is lonely, desperate, hurting. That I’d get beyond my to-do list and show up at my kids school unexpectedly to show them how much I love them. That I’d give up needing to win an argument or be right or be noticed or praised. That I’d get beyond just my desire to serve others and actually spend time feeding the hungry, offering water to the thirsty, giving my stuff away instead of hoarding it. That I’d spend less of my thoughts thinking about what other people think of me and pray for others instead. It’s giving up some of the me’s, my, and mine’s for my friends.

Okay, sounds good, but why is it so hard? It’s just unnatural. What comes naturally for me is to live in my own little Kathy world. And in my little Kathy world I value status, I treasure my to-do lists, I like to be in control, I like things to basically go the way I thought they’d be. Remember, I have a carnival in my head where I am the main attraction (see previous blog). Laying down my life for my friends means I have to give up these things and rely on God, to trust mystery, to do things that never get noticed, to be flexible, to give up my self-centered way for His others-centered way. Thinking about Easter this week, Jesus gave it all up for us. All of it. But what I love about Jesus is that He didn’t like every aspect of His sacrifice. He didn’t say “hey, this is the greatest thing ever, it’s a piece of cake.” He wrestled in the Garden of Gethsemene with God, crying out “do I really have to die?” knowing His sacrifice was going to mean pain and suffering.

We’re not Jesus, and in our case, the honest answer is we don’t really have to. I can live in my own little Kathy world all I want and God will keep loving me. But I’ll miss out. I won’t get to experience the joy, the hope, the freedom, the peace, the purpose, the passion that comes from laying down my life for my friends.

KARL - Speed: Expectations of the Mega-Church

What is fast? I think I know because God has given me a gauge, an internal and irrefutable indicator of too much speed. It’s called the constricting sphincter. I remember riding with my friend who believed he could “feel the road,” so 67 mph around one lane mountain passes made all the sense in the world. I chewed a hole in his seat. I understand that speed is inherently a subjective and biased opinion. “Hey, I think we need to slow down” can be heard in planes, board rooms, back seats, athletic fields. But what about churches and God?

I was reflecting recently on the one year anniversary of my departure from mega-church employment and what is different now. The question arose, “what has been the biggest shift in what you believe?” It is about speed. I was pre-disposed to think that people change very quickly. A single sermon, or at the least a series, is all it takes to get things moving in the proper direction. One or two weeks of being stuck, just add a little spiritual fiber (prayer, Bible reading, and solid preaching, the evangelical elixir) and presto, unstuck. A few years of being stuck, you might need to throw in a few extra scoops of godly Metamucil—extra time with me as your pastor offering my eloquent wisdom and maybe a good book to read about your ailment, and voila! Ahh, movement. My apologies, I seem to be a bit stuck in the lower hemisphere for my analogies today. Suffice it to say the expectations in mega- church world are that people should very quickly resolve what it is that ails them.

One of the issues that lead to my demise of employment was I have some unresolved childhood stuff. I am insecure, frightened at times, a compulsive people pleaser and so on. But way more grievous is that I thought it should be talked about. I will give you a quote upon my departure “you need to go away with God and get this resolved before you are qualified to preach.” Get ‘er done! What is funny, is that the powers that be would think I had never tried that! Trust me, I would take an instant, miraculous healing in a second.

The shift in my perception and ability to pastor that has become the most noticeable this past year: take what you or your church believe to be the proper amount of time to experience change and simply multiply that number by 100. Change is a factor of 100 times slower than what you thought. Churches are in danger of subtly communicating the opposite, especially when all of our stories are of the victories we have and the quickly resolved issues. We begin to create communities of people who believe they are spiritual freaks, they are not like others because although they love Jesus and have begged for change, it still seems so far away. Real change takes time, and time isn’t all that glamorous. Let’s face it, The Refuge, it ain’t all that glamorous. It is sometimes ugly, frustrating to see a lot of pain and have it not be resolved quick enough for us to feel comfortable. I feel the same way about my journey of change, too. I want it to be neater, cleaner, and certainly more triumphant.

So we continue to hope for the simple fix. Just think for a moment how many times you have sat in church and you heard this preface to what it is that plagues us: “well, all you need to do is….” One problem, one solution, and fast!

When I hear that sentence, I start to cramp up, way too fast.

KATHY - The Carnival

I am tired of the carnival in my head. I cannot take credit for this thought, my good friend John Nunez tossed it out there in a wacky conversation and the idea has lingered. I guess I latched on to it because it’s so….me. Most days there’s a carnival going on in my head.

Let me help you get the picture. Imagine I'm leaving a simple conversation with some co-workers, and the next thing I know I’m whirling around on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, being tossed to and fro by thoughts like “well that was a really stupid thing to say….what were you thinking? they think you are an idiot” or spinning round and round in the teacups with thoughts like “you’re a failure. you’re a failure. you’re a failure” repeating over and over with every spin. Or maybe it’s being trashed back and forth on The Zipper, every mistake I’ve made that day replayed over again until I feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is what the inside of my head looks and feels like a lot. No one would ever know by looking at me. I look fairly sane, basically put together. But inside my head, I’m often at the circus. Even as I write this, the carnival is just starting to rev up, the engines beginning to roar into life for the new day ahead. Here’s what begins to happen…”You can’t say things like this, you guys are the pastors and look how messed up you are. Get your act together before you lead. If you really trusted God and believed the things you say you do you wouldn’t think these thoughts. Where is your faith?” The craziness begins.

But I can’t stop thinking the thoughts automatically. I have tried that, doesn’t work. Then I just feel more guilty, like I should be doing something that makes the thoughts stop coming. I have tried applying God’s Word and taking every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ like it says in 2 Corinthians 10. Of course, that is helpful. It is definitely a start of a shift for me, a recognition that the crazy thoughts I think aren’t the truth and I need to look at it in the light of Jesus and what He says about me. But that somehow hasn’t been enough for me because it’s way too lonely. Just me at the carnival gritting my teeth through another bad ride, hunkering down with God’s truth, still just leaves me feeling a little lost. (side note: truthful statements that don’t sound “Christian” really get the whole Tilt-A-Whirl going)

What helps me the most is asking someone else to come to carnival with me so I can notice how ridiculous the rides I am on really are. A few days ago I was at a meeting with some dear friends where I was safe enough to share some of the crazy, irrational thoughts I think most days. A lot of my current weirdness has to do with stepping out to help build The Refuge but it’s not all that. I have been thinking these things long before we began The Refuge—it has just plugged my head into a speaker system and the voices are all louder than ever. My friends didn’t do much. Not a lick of cheap advice or pat answers, no telling me that I just needed to pray warfare and it would all go away. Instead, they listened. They laughed. They shared some of their crazy thoughts, too. And you know what? I felt a little sliver of peace for the moment, that I wasn’t an unfaithful person who needs to get her spiritual act together, that I wasn’t alone at the carnival, they sometimes take some wild rides, too. In that moment, I actually felt God in some beautiful, mysterious way. He was just….there. The thoughts felt less crazy, settled down a bit, not as loud. For a little while, I was off the ride, actually enjoying some cotton candy and a lemonade at the carnival instead of getting whiplash.

KARL - Relational Algebra

I am math illiterate. It is really with quite a bit of shame I admit it. I can do arithmetic and nothing else. To this day, I do not understand why, when in an obvious math situation, an “x” or “y” can suddenly appear? The reverse is not permissible, and I can not when grasping for the proper word get frustrated and slap a 7 in its’ place, can I?

What I remember about my math journey in school was that the other kids got it. Each class the teacher would add just a bit to the previous day’s knowledge, each student nodding their understanding. I would look alert, straining to recognize something, but it was always the same thing: as soon as the alphabet showed up I was lost. I tried, I spent time with the teacher after school, and in his presence I seemed to finally understand, but as soon as I was alone in my room, numbers and letters were mortal enemies.

I had a flash back last Friday night. I attended what we call at our faith community a House of Refuge, and this was the first night of a 3 month series on healthy relationships. I am not new to this sort of thing, I know how this is going to go, and pretty soon I will be completely lost. After 46 years is it time to admit I can not do math or healthy relationships?

I know that pretty soon the algebraic concepts of relationships will emerge, ideas such as saying what you need, expressing anger in healthy ways, boundaries and co-dependence. And I will be completely lost. I see my friends, and they seem to get it, somehow this makes sense to them. I can not grasp it. I do other things well, just as in school I appeared to be a bright student. I loaded my schedule with history and language arts, I compensated. I am good at getting people to like me, think I am smart about God and life, I have loaded my schedule with helping people. But actually being a friend? An intimate partner for my wife?

That looks like x=yx %z +\+=

An A in this class is impossible, out of reach at this stage. I am without too many of the basic concepts. But I can learn, can’t I? I am sure to fail tests and be at a complete and utter loss over and over again, but I guess this time I am leaving a little hope that maybe, just maybe, the lights might come on and something might just begin to make sense this time. A D is better than an F, right?

GINNY - Scarcity or Sufficiency?

Fear entered the picture shortly after the beginning of our story. In a place called the Garden of Eden God created Adam and Eve. They hung out with him all the time and everything in their world was made just for them. Only one thing was off limits and that was the tree of good and evil. Satan convinced Eve that God was holding out on them. When they both ate of the tree that was forbidden, their disobedience was called sin and they became seperated from God. As a result they became afraid.

The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in cool of the day and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked so I hid.” Genesis 3:8-10

The Hebrew word for “afraid” in this passage is yârê, which means fear or dread. God’s very own creation, Adam and Eve, those with whom He had walked on a daily basis, were now hiding. Although they hid from God, He was not the author of their fear. He did nothing to make them afraid. Everything had changed and their deceiver was now in charge of their world. (II Cor 4:4)

One of the ways that we are so deceived by our enemy is through our living in scarcity. I recently read a book called, The Soul of Money, by Lynne Twist, who describes scarcity as a lie containing three myths: 1: the myth of “There’s not enough”, 2: the myth of “More is better” and 3: the myth of “That’s just the way it is”. Listen to how she describes the difference between scarcity and sufficiency.

“Scarcity speaks in terms of never enough, emptiness, fear, mistrust, envy, greed, hoarding, competition, fragmentation, separateness, judgment, striving, entitlement, control, busy, survival, outer riches. In the conversation for scarcity we judge, compare and criticize; we label winners and losers. We celebrate increasing quantity and excess. We center ourselves in yearning, expectation and dissatisfaction. We define ourselves as better-than or worse-than. We let money define us, rather than defining ourselves in a deeper way and expressing that quality through our money.

Sufficiency speaks in terms of gratitude, fulfillment, love, trust, respect, contributing, faith, compassion, integration, wholeness, commitment, acceptance, partnership, responsibility, resilience and inner riches. In the conversation for sufficiency we acknowledge what is, appreciate its value and envision how to make a difference with it. We recognize, affirm and embrace. We celebrate quality over quantity. We center ourselves in integrity, possibility and resourcefulness. We define our money with our energy and intention.”

What a great way to describe good versus evil. Who wins when we speak and live in terms of scarcity? The enemy wins. We stay stuck in fear and disillusionment and the enemy gloats, “see, I kept another from experiencing life.” God certainly is not glorified by a victim mentality. Fear causes us to become helpless and hopeless. . Even though the enemy is always prowling around, wanting us to stay afraid, Christ has given authority to all who believe in His Name. (Matt 6:19) We are told in Ephesians 3:19 that if we know the love of Christ, we can be filled with the fullness of God. John 10:10 speaks of the abundant life that Jesus came to give. Sufficiency is already provided. Scripture tells us “we have not because we do not ask”.

What if we chose to never again speak of “not enough”? What if we claimed our rightful place and authority to command our enemy to leave? (James 4:7) What if we defined the resources we already have and praised God for it each and every day even if it wasn’t what we were hoping for? What if we could truly see that God provides for us daily and we had better eyes to see it? I have been trying to do this, to focus on what I do have, not what I don’t have. It has given me so much more hope and helped me feel less afraid.

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PAUL - Stage Lights

Ok, first off, it’s important that you know that “stage” lights are different than “house” lights. When you walk into a theatre or church, house lights are usually already on. They might be recessed lights, track lights or in some cases lamps. After about fifteen minutes pass, these lights dim and instinctively you wrap up any conversations you may have been having about the carpet, or program or video screens and you find your seat. You may sit for a moment in the dark but then…something magical happens! New lights come on! Different than before because although several lights are on in the same room you are in, you can’t really see much of what is around you with any clarity. These are stage lights, they show you what is on stage. Each light is specifically designed to aim, focus, color or restrict light to fit a purpose. Not to show you what is around you, no, just to show you what is on stage. Ok? Can we move on?

Directors, playwrights, actors, musicians and pastors plan and organize words and movements to put under the stage lights to keep you interested and focused on what is on stage and not around you. Occasionally, you may hear a noise like a baby crying or even an adult crying but this is unintentional and ultimately distracting to what is on stage. In moments like that it’s a good thing the house lights are off so you won’t be distracted for long. After you have heard and seen all that the producers of the play or worship service have wanted you to see the house lights will come back on. After blinking your eyes a couple times you will look around, locate the exit, grab your coat, stand and join the line of people heading toward the door. If you came with someone, you will talk about how good or bad the show was regardless of it was a play or worship service. Almost certainly you will have an opinion on the music. You probably won’t think about how many other people there are at the same event until you are in your car in the parking lot trying to merge into the steady stream of vehicles moving to the street. You simply didn’t notice them before… because the stage lights were on. You were watching what was on stage.

So, I was thinking… what if the house lights were left on? What would happen? Would you still watch what was on stage? Or watch something else? How would you feel if you were the person on stage? Would you go on singing? Acting? Speaking? I guess it’s obvious that everyone could see each other not just the people on stage. It would least be easier to see who was crying. And see how far it is from you to them. See how to help. Which might be good or bad…bad, I guess, if you’re at a play… but better, if you’re in a church.

MIKE - Dignity

Christmas Eve at The Refuge was a glorious occasion. Each person’s name was called and we received a wrapped gift, our fourth simple gift of our December series. It contained an ornament that simply said, "Dignity".

As a middle aged, middle class white male, I suppose I had never really thought much about the concept of dignity. Webster’s says that dignity is “the quality or state of deserving esteem or respect.” Who shouldn't have dignity? It's a no brainer. God is no respecter of persons. That means He has no favorites. That we are all valuable, important, worthy. So what is the big deal?.

Society doesn't tend to think like God. Through the ages many groups have been abused, oppressed and marginalized: The poor. Minorities. The uneducated. The mentally or physically challenged. Women. The list goes on and on. Members of these groups still struggle today for equality and dignity.

As Karl taught, the Word of God again and again hammers home the truth--that we are equal, that we all have dignity. The angels didn't announce the birth of Jesus to the rich, the learned or the religious leaders. No, it was the lowly shepherds the angels talked to. When Jesus rose from the dead, the first person he spoke to was a woman, not one of the 12 apostles. The Pharisees were not picked to be in the inner circle of Jesus. The creator of our universe picked fishermen, tax collectors, prostitutes and adultresses'. Do you think, just maybe, he was trying to tell us something, to show us a better way?

Unfortunately, many at The Refuge know all too well how it feels to be marginalized because of race, gender, educational or financial status, or maybe a physical or mental disability. I am reminded that Jesus hung out with the marginalized of his day and showed them dignity and love. And he still does. How can we do any different?

SAMI - Love

I love the idea of God totally accepting us, welcoming us into his arms, and even celebrating our return…no questions asked, just as the father in the passage of Luke 15:11-32 did with his youngest son, who squandered his money and lived with pigs. I love the idea of our Heavenly Father’s unconditional love, but do I really accept it, do I really understand it?

When I think of the story of the prodigal’s son, it brings to mind my young adulthood. I think of the car that my parents bought me when I was in high school. I felt so cool, driving around in my own black Subaru Loyal, the car that my parents trusted me enough to buy just for me!

Ok, so you are probably wondering. What does this has to do with God’s unconditional love? Well, I think I wrecked that car three times. It was stolen twice, and backed in to once. Each time something happened to that little car I had to go home and try to explain the story to my parents. I would recite what I was going to say before I was face to face with them. I was so embarrassed and ashamed to disappoint them again, but when I got home they would just put their arms around me and make sure that I was safe (however, there were some questions asked!). It was always hard for me to face them but each time I did I was reminded that they always accepted me back, no matter what mistake I had just made.

Our Father’s character is that of unconditional love, but what does that mean? I believe that when we are told not to do something, some people call it the “Law”, the Ten Commandments, or just the rules we are to live by, it is out of total love. Just like my parents told me, “Sami, don’t leave the keys in your car, it’s going to get stolen,” for my own benefit, our Heavenly Father only wants what is best for us. He does not put boundaries in our lives to send us straight to hell if we cross them. I am learning that He actually is trying to protect me from some potentially horrible consequences. Getting my head around this thought gives me a greater understanding of His unconditional love.

Luke 15:20 says, “So, he (the youngest son) got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” Our Father knows we are coming home before we arrive. Everytime I pull into the driveway after I get into yet another car crash He is waiting with open arms, full of love…it is a beautiful thing.

KEVIN- Freedom

When I think of freedom loads of images and thoughts come into my mind. Some good, some not so good, especially when thinking about things I thought were freeing but actually brought guilt and condemnation.

It seems to me that there is great freedom shown by the shepherd in the story Karl talked about on Sunday from Luke 15:1-7. In this story, the shepherd gives his sheep real freedom; he really loves and cares for his sheep. As I wonder why, the bigger picture shows me that he hungers for his sheep. An ancient letter written to the small church in Rome by the Apostle Paul tells me that he wants them to have a freedom, free from any guilt or condemnation. I get the picture that the shepherd’s desire is for his sheep to grow and develop in their individual gifts, skills and attributes. Not in comparison to others but as individual loved beings. He even gives the sheep freedom to get lost, if they want to, knowing that he will intentionally and continually hunt for them.

In another ancient letter written to a small church in Ephesus I am reminded that this is because his desire is for the sheep to journey and grow into the fullness of being like Jesus Christ. That just blows me away, that the shepherd wants us to become like Jesus. Just LIKE JESUS. And to do it he will give the sheep the tools they need by giving the gift of his wisdom and spirit for counsel.

As we taste true freedom, we can pass it on to others. As God’s people, we can then help, assist, love and tell others who are hurting and weighted down by the guilt and condemnation of false freedom that there’s something better, that true freedom is staying close to The Shepherd.

In the stories the shepherd is God and the sheep are a representation of us human beings. When I link it to this ancient festival of Christmas it kind of reinforces the whole point. That Jesus came naked and weak into our history. That He then traveled part of this planet illustrating that with the nurturing boundaries of God in our lives and as part of a gracious, loving, guilt free Kingdom community we can journey into expanding personal freedom.

The funny part is that this freedom can sometimes be the hardest thing for me to take hold of because it’s given with no strings attached and is unconditional. I often think I’ve got to do something for it. In the ancient mystical letter written by John--someone who walked alongside Jesus--he says, ‘when Jesus sets us free we are truly free’. This is so true. It’s only with this kind of freedom that I can with growing confidence walk the uncertain adventure of life.

KATHY - Equality

Christmas. Everyone responds to this time of year differently. For some, it’s a great season filled with food and family and happy memory-making. For others, it’s a time of dread. Money’s tight or nonexistent. The reminder of losses—of loved ones, jobs, relationships, faith-- sets in. In the season where we’re supposed to feel joyful we sometimes feel loneliness, anxiety and fear instead. The “reason for the season” gets lost in the reality of life and we just try to bear down and make it to the new year where our resolutions await and we might get a fresh start.

Christmas is a time, honestly, where things don’t feel too equal. Those who have money and jobs get presents. Those who don’t, can’t. Those who have intact families—or some semblance of one—get to be together. Those who have broken families, no family, exes who make things hard, or weird inlaws get to manage through that mess instead and often end up alone or angry. Some people have tried all year to get a job, keep a job, enjoy a job, to no avail while others are soaring up the corporate ladder getting one raise after another. Others are worried about gaining some extra pounds over the holidays while others are fighting for their lives battling cancer or trying to stop using drugs. Some people are happily married while others are still reeling from a painful divorce. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not fair. I don’t know where I got this crazy idea that life was going to be fair. And even though I know life isn’t, I still desperately want it to be. And fairness in my little pea brain usually means equal. Equal means we all get the same—the same blessing, the same help, the same hope, the same attention, the same _______. You fill in the blank. But of course I only want equality when it comes to the good things—money, possessions, jobs, influence, God’s “blessings.” I can do without equality the other direction…I mean who wants health issues or job losses or bankruptcy or more pain? I am learning, the hard way, that life isn’t fair. And life isn’t equal, either. Some of us have harder roads, others have easier. Some have deeper pain and loss, others just haven’t experienced some of the more life-defining struggles. One isn’t right and the other’s wrong. One’s not better, more important or more valuable. It’s just different. And to somehow try to explain why in the world God has made it so complicated is utterly impossible.

But this Christmas here’s what I keep clinging to—His ways are higher than mine and what’s unfair here on earth somehow gets made right in heaven. Jesus loves me as much as he loves the next person. And that’s not dependent on anything I do or don’t do or they do or don’t do. He doesn’t place greater value on any of us because of our looks or power or money or Bible knowledge or status or lack thereof. That’s a man-made thing. But God says to all of us that we are His treasured possessions and that when we get lost, He’ll go searching for us.

On Sunday we looked at the Story of the Lost Coin in Luke 15. It really was a simple gift from Jesus, a reminder that we are equally valuable in His eyes. Worth searching for. Fighting for. Celebrating for. Do you believe that? Most days, if I’m honest, the answer is “yes, if….”. I feel valuable when I’m doing the right things and I am staying “on top” of my life (doesn’t happen too often). When I’m lost--struggling to gain back some of my past fervor for God, controlling my life instead of trusting God, feeling sad and alone or full of shame for some stupid mistake I made--I’m not feeling too valuable.

But Jesus reminds me in this passage that my lostness has nothing to do with His value for me. In fact, it is just the opposite. He’ll turn the tables to find me not because of anything I can do, prove, muster, or mess up. It has nothing to do with my circumstances, how hard or easy my life is going at the moment. I don’t always understand His “finding”. Sometimes I’m like “hey, God, are you sure you are looking hard enough?” but then, when I take a closer look, I notice that usually it’s me that misses His looking. I am distracted by all of the things that are wrong and easily miss the things that are right—the small things to be thankful for, the simple and subtle ways God is saying "See, here I am. I've been looking for you."