KARL--Church Uniforms

Here is my proposal: let's all get church uniforms.

Uniforms are great! They make it easy to recognize who is on your team and who is the enemy. A uniform could help take some of the guess work out of who is "in" and who is "out" , who we are for, who we are against. I will attempt to design a uniform that I think best represents and serves the suburban, typical, evangelical, church (S.T.E.N.CH)

Ok, I think it needs to be one solid color, something light, say peach or barely beige, because brown and black and yellow are not often seen. We like mostly whites.

It should be extremely masculine. It needs to have pants and a zipper, nothing too frilly or even remotely androgynous. You will see woman in attendance at S.T.E.N.CH, but not in any decision making capacity. God made them to be happiest in the nursery, didn't He?

It needs to be highly flammable, because everyone knows Jesus hates it when you smoke. Enough said.

Pockets are needed, but only the right side. Anything to do with the "left" is disgusting.

I think a nice red, white and blue tie would help make it clear that we are primarily concerned with America.

A small cross necklace, of course empty, without Jesus hanging across it, is a nice
way to say Not Catholic. We are still pretty pissed off about that Rome thing.

It must be medium sized. This is subtle, but we really do not like obese people. Jesus wants excellence, and chubby Christians are just not trying hard enough.

The helmet is critical. It must be able to protect our brains and ears from anything that does not come from our team. Something that would limit our vision and ability to hear would be helpful. "be careful little eyes what you see..."

Finally, winged tipped shoes. Nothing says we are "conservative" like wing tips.

I hope this catches on. It seems critical that we be able to identify who is not on our team. This idea of loving people as they are as the great Christian distinction is just not working very well.

If this fails I have this really cool, secret handshake I am working on.

Ok, I am dying to know your thoughts, so let us know. Anything you would add to the uniform?

Karl