MIKE - When Your Best Just Ain't Good Enough

I would certainly never be mistaken for a perfectionist, but a lazy slug I am not. I’m just me. My mom and dad never felt I was a good enough son, both for different reasons…never as smart as the Anderson girls….not an athlete like my younger brother. Just not good enough. I remember walking around Five Points trying to sell magazines to people who could barely afford to exist. I didn't do well. My boss criticized my work ethic (kind of funny since later he got sent to prison on fraud charges). Still, the message I heard was not good enough. Never dated until after college. Why risk it? I'm not good enough. So the cycle continued. I’m almost thirty and I finally find a naïve 19 year old beauty that wants to be out of the house. She doesn't know, yet, that I'm not good enough. I chase her down and capture her, marry her, then live 23 years trying to hide the real me so she won't find out I'm not good enough and leave me. It’s a relationship of smoke and mirrors and masks, on my side. Ironicly, looking back, I think she would have loved the real me, but I couldn't take that chance.

Fast forward to 8 years ago. My wife Debbie’s dead. I'm alone, again, and I'm still not good enough. My work ethic, though, is very good. Have been successful in my chosen field. (chosen because I never pursued the career I had a degree in, didn't even try, because I knew I'd fail. I was not good enough). Have 2 teenage kids that love me, but am certainly not good enough to be their only parent. After a few years decide I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Join a singles group. According to my counselor, singles groups, arguably, are the biggest collection of dysfunctional people ever assembled in one place. Still not good enough. Find a lady as needy as I am and start the smoke and mirrors thing. Starts to crumble in a year and blows to hell in 18 months. She calls me on my stuff. I'm still not good enough. I should have known it. Maybe counseling could help? My counselor sides with her, says I'm all messed up, but he doesn't say I'm not good enough, only broken. Says there is hope for me, if I want to work my butt off. Why not? What do I have to lose? So I jump in with both feet.

Four years of recovery and now I am part of an amazing church, The Refuge. Over the last few years, some incredible people have been telling me I am good enough. I am starting to believe it, some. Am reaching out to people. Being real. being honest. Trying so hard to be safe. Could it be that me, messed up Mike, could actually be good enough?

Ah, but here he comes roaring in like a lion. To steal, kill and destroy. The condemner of my soul. You are not only not good enough, but you are actually no good at all. And I start to believe his voice, it is so strong. So clear. And if that is not enough I feel others are thinking the same thing when I can't be there for them the way they think I should be. Maybe my folks, my boss, the girls, the voices were right, are right. I'm not good enough.

But then a light goes on as I see some friends, wonderful friends, gifted friends, loving friends, compassionate friends (friends that the hurting would mistake for Jesus in the flesh) feeling the same way about themselves. That they are not good enough, either. It's always easier to see the lie in the lives of others than it is in our own lives.

Then, I get a revelation from God. He is talking to my heart. Your best will never be good enough for everyone. Jesus came to this earth. Poured out His love. Sweat. Drops of blood. Cried over mankind. Gave up His life. AND IT WAS STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FOR SOME AND THEY KILLED HIM. And it is still that way today. So if Jesus' best wasn't good enough for some people, what makes you think your best could be? Just be who I made you to be. Keep trying to improve. Keep loving. Caring. Giving. Keep pouring your heart out. Keep getting messy. Being raw. Being honest and real. Being safe. Just keep showing up in the lives of others. That is the best you can do. That is all I expect. I will be there to lead you and guide you. Your best is good enough for ME.